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The Top Ten Things You Should Know About Being
a Teenager with One Leg
By Josh Sundquist
10. You will have to
make an important decision when you hit puberty
After I lost my leg to cancer at age nine, I was
fitted with an artificial leg that had a covering
which matched the skin tone of my real leg. Then
puberty struck. Lower voice, hairy leg –
all the stuff you learn about in health class.
But for an amputee, it’s different. After
one leg becomes hairy, people are left to assume
that you must be shaving the other. Not good.
So I faced a choice: I could either shave my real
leg so the hairlessness was at least balanced,
or I could I take the rubber and foam covering
off my artificial leg, exposing the steel and
carbon fiber interior. I chose the latter.
9. You can hide things
in your pants
My leg is amputated from the hip, so I don’t
really have a stump like many amputees. Once,
while considering how we might avoid paying exorbitant
rates for movie theater drinks, my friends and
I realized that a two-liter bottle of soda stuffed
in the top of a pant leg bares a striking resemblance
to a normal length stump. Security didn’t
question it, and probably didn’t even notice
it. Nothing like smuggling soda bottles to add
a thrill to your day.
8. Dancing can be awkward
This is a classic lose/lose situation. If you
wear the artificial leg, you’ll step on
girls’ feet. If you go legless, the crutches
will swing wildly like some kind of primitive
ninja weapon. It’s dangerous, plain and
simple.
7. Swimming is tricky
When you swim with one leg, you don’t swim
laps – you swim circles. If you think I’m
kidding, try it for yourself.
6. You can have fun conversations
in Wal-Mart
Whenever I go to Wal-Mart (or any place with lots
of people), I’ll be walking along, and inevitably
kids start staring. Then the kid will make some
subtle remark like “MOMMY THAT BOY’S
LEG FELL OFF!” At this point, the parent
grabs the nearest piece of merchandise and starts
beating their child and scolding them for their
rudeness. By now the kid is
usually crying. Sometimes, if they are particularly
unsusceptible to beatings, they’ll try to
stick their head up in my shorts in a search for
my leg. Other times they just cut back to the
question:
“What happened to your leg?”
“I had cancer. Do you know what that is?”
“No.”
“Well, my leg was sick, and the doctors
had to cut it off.”
Sometimes, though, I get bored of this conversation.
So I switch it up a little:
“What happened to your leg?”
[dramatic pause]
“Kid, you ever heard of Jaws?”
5. You will set off metal
detectors
This is a guarantee when I’m wearing the
leg. Usually they’ll just run the wand over
my body and let me go. But once when I was flying
out of Seattle, I was escorted by security to
a back room for a “private search.”
Let this be a warning: If a security guard ever
asks you to join them in the back room for a “private
search,” leave immediately. Cancel your
flight and just walk to the destination. If your
stump gets too sore just start hopping. Believe
me, the time you save on the plane is not worth
the atrocities of a “private search.”
On the other hand, sometimes security can be quite
lax. This was the case when I went to the White
House to meet Bill Clinton in 1996. After I set
off the metal detector alarm, I told the guard
I had an artificial leg under my pants and he
just waved me through – no wand, no questions.
No wonder we’re trying to increase security.
4. Go to the guess-your-weight
booths at amusement parks
As it turns out, the guessers are not trained
to incorporate the weight of missing body parts
in their guess. (Hint to Six-Flags and Disneyworld:
A leg is 18% of your body weight).
3. It’s fun to
put your artificial leg in sleeping bags, on toilets
and hanging out the trunk of your car
Enough said.
2. You can say goodbye
to pairing socks when you do laundry
Come to think of it, I never really paired my
socks before I lost my leg. At least now I don’t
feel guilty about it.
1. Lightening can’t
kill the one legged man
As it turns out, electricity can’t harm
you unless it flows in a circuit. Normally this
means in one leg and out the other. But when you
are wearing an artificial leg or crutches, both
of which have rubber on the bottom in the form
of an artificial foot or crutch tips, the electricity
can’t form a circuit and thus you are safe.*
*A note to would be Ben Franklins and pyrotechnic
daredevils: Don’t try this at home, or worse,
in the middle of a large field during a thunderstorm.
Even though my high school physics teacher agreed
with the theory, neither he nor I would bet our
lives on it. (Pardon the pun).
© 2003, Joshua Sundquist, All Rights Reserved
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